Fear of Seeing

CEFR Level B1-B2

I’m standing here looking at my unfinished basement and wondering how to make it more welcoming to this human who thrives in sunlight and fresh air. My eye is caught by the slat blinds over those narrow rusted-shut windows that basements are notorious for. The blinds were here when we moved in.

We can’t afford to have the narrow windows turned into full-sized egress windows, but why are the blinds there? The position of the windows relative to the neighboring houses and streets means that a person who wanted to see in would have to either know the window was there and use high-powered binoculars when the trees have lost their leaves or would have to climb a ladder placed against our wall. I suppose someone could tramp through the poison-ivy forest owned by the town and climb a hairy poison-ivy vine to sit in a sweet gum tree and peer in that way, but who would bother? Functionally, we don’t need blinds for privacy. So why were they installed (and poorly at that, not even shortened to fit the space)?

There is no climate-controlled storage. Nothing we put in this basement would require protection from whatever light comes through such a small window. Functionally, there is no preservation reason for installing blinds. So why are they there?

I can only think of two reasons. One is because that’s what you’re supposed to do. If there is a window, it needs a blind or other cover. Why? Because that’s the way it is. The other reason is because there is something in humans that are drawn to light, but also fear it. As much as we want to see, maybe we fear being seen. Maybe we fear it so much that we protect against it even if there is little risk of being seen. Maybe we fear being seen so much that we limit the goodness in our lives in order to protect against what we fear.

In the Christian tradition, God is equated with light. (1 John 1:5). This is not saying that light is God. That would be called heresy. God is light but light is not God. We’ll leave that theological tangle alone for now. 

For now, let’s consider the analogy. God is light. Humans want light in their dark basements, but they want to control the light with blinds. They want to ensure they can see the light without being seen. Do they treat God the same way? 

Maybe, like with light, humans are drawn to God but also fear God. Maybe they want to experience the benefit of God shining on them, but they also want to control how much of that light they experience. There’s a biblical story where that seems to be the case. (Exodus 34) Maybe, like the blinds slapped up without customizing them to the window, humans are willing to accept whatever comes easiest as long as it shields them from the full light of God, even if the shield is ugly and irritates them every time they see it. 

Maybe, like with windows without blinds, people fear the possibility of being seen by God and others. Maybe they are okay with God knowing they are there as long as God can’t see the details. Maybe they want the benefit of God’s light without having to enter into full vulnerability. They want to see as much of God as is comfortable for them but don’t want God to see them because in order for God to see them, they would be open for others to see them, too. 

Maybe like basement windows with blinds, people would rather be enclosed, living in dim light, than to risk any distress that may come from being able to see what is beyond their walls, less because they are afraid of seeing out and more because they are afraid of others seeing in. 

Maybe the risk of others seeing in is less than we think. Even if the risk is real, maybe the benefits we get from full light and fully seeing are greater than the distress of being seen. Maybe we need to take down the blinds, letting ourselves see and risking being seen.