Imagining a Third Way

Three Arches; late 17th century; Northern India; Source: The Met

CEFR Level B1-B2

Cake or pie?

Brownies.

Pepsi or Coke?

Tea.

Cat or dog?

Bird.

Christian or not?

What do you mean by “Christian”?

Boy or girl?

Why is that the first thing you want to know?

Humans naturally think in binaries and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Despite its usefulness in speeding up daily decision making, as beings capable of creative thought, there is also value in intentionally identifying the binary and looking for a third way.

Do we treat adult life with the same limitations as we give to toddlers? It’s certainly useful to the adult to limit a 2-year-old’s choice to Thing 1 or Thing 2. Why do we still do that with adults, though? Why do adults willingly accept being limited by others?

Even seemingly open-ended questions like “where are you from” can be used as binary questions. The answer can put the person in the category of “culture I like” or “culture I dislike.” A long time ago, in a non-fiction book I can no longer remember (it may have been a Strengthsfinder 2.0 book), a survey respondent said that they have to find out where someone is from as soon as they meet them because otherwise, they don’t know how to relate to the person. That may be an extreme example, but my own experience suggests the broader idea isn’t uncommon. People want to know where you are from so they know how to think about you without getting to know you. 

The most common response I get when a new acquaintance finds out where I was raised is, “You don’t sound like you’re from there.” I don’t fit the binary of “people from X sound like Y; people not from X don’t sound like Y.” The hidden question is a request to explain why I don’t fit what makes sense to them. I don’t think this is conscious, but when it happens time after time after time, it does start to feel like there’s a hidden message of “I won’t accept you until you fit what I think you should be.” (The observation comes across differently in an established relationship. It’s just the first-time-meeting scenarios where it feels like a demand to conform.)

Cake or pie? This may be a superficial question with minimal social impact regardless of your answer. But why do we accept these binary questions to begin with? I usually answer “brownies” because I prefer brownies above cake, pie, and cookies. I’ve come to see that response as representative of how I try to live life. What is the third way? What is the question behind the question? How much does this binary actually matter? What comfort are we trying to create among ourselves with the question? 

Boy or girl? Why is that one of the first questions we ask about babies? Certainly, there is a time when it is relevant, but in casual conversation with someone we are unlikely to encounter again, why does it matter? A baby is a baby. Unless you’re changing their diaper or live in a culture where one gender is preferred over the other, which genitals they have is irrelevant. Why didn’t we develop a small talk question that applies to all babies?

There are binaries in Christianity, too. Have you said The Sinner’s Prayer or do you simply choose to follow Jesus as the boss of the universe, including your life? Do you speak in tongues or not? Are you in our group of approved Christian traditions or in the group we say are not really Christian? These questions have more or less importance, but are they always the right question? 

My challenge to Christians is to begin looking for the third way, the question behind the question, the meaning behind the categorization. You may end up at an answer that is part of the binary, but I think the process of looking for the third path can help reduce the pressure that comes from trying to get the binary answer right. When the question is no longer “in or out,” but rather “what does this tell us,” there is more room to see what is there. 

If you prefer spiritual terms, consider the trinitarian aspect of looking for the third option within a seemingly binary question. Binaries are like God and Jesus. Being open to a third way is like being open to the Spirit. If you stick with binaries, you’re avoiding the full trinity. 

Regardless of which terminology you use, what binary do you have that may benefit from exploring a third way?